Healthcare: an oxymoron...

Just like in any profession, some nurses are fantastic, and others are evil.

I have had the opportunity to attend two births in the past ten days. Here are some of the things I heard while assisting women through childbirth:

Nurse, seeing that contractions were five minutes apart: "Must be this natural thing."

Same nurse, to the mother: "You have a poopy uterus. It just isn't doing its job."

Nurse, while admitting the mother, during a difficult contraction: "Do you know your blood type? Do you have any allergies? Who's your pediatrician?"

Nurse: "The reason we don't want you to eat is really for your sake. If you eat you might get sick and throw up, and if you need a c-section, you can throw up and it might kill you."

(Actually, the main reason for the 'no food during labor' rule is because nurses don't want to be vomited upon. Only general anesthesia -- very rarely used for c-section anesthesia anymore; they mostly use epidurals or spinal blocks -- have the vomit aspiration risk. Nausea and vomiting are normal and healthy during labor, and carry far less risk than food deprivation.)

Nurse: "These contractions just aren't working."

Mother: "I really don't want an IV. Is there anything else we can do?"

Nurse: "I've seen babies get very, very sick. It's very sad. You don't want to take that risk with your child. This medication has no side effects and it will help you and your baby. You don't want your baby to get sick, do you?"

Nurse, one hour into pushing, mother's first baby: "If your contractions were stronger, you'd have your baby by now."

(Two hours is the average time spent pushing for a first baby.)

On the other hand, I've seen and heard some amazing things during the same births:

• One nurse held the EFM on the mother's abdomen for twenty minutes rather than place the straps around her, because she understood that it was uncomfortable for an unmedicated mom.
  


• A doctor suggested nipple stimulation to encourage contractions.
  


• A first-time mother pulled her baby out of her own body once the shoulders were born.



• The nurses dusted off the squatting bar for extensive use.



• One nurse suggested walking and side-lying, which were exactly what was needed.



• The no-eating rule was not enforced.



• Two nurses had a murmured conversation about Higher Authorities: "We aren't the ones in charge here." "No, we're not. We never are."



• One mother declined all shots, eyedrops, and immunizations, and did not meet resistance from the staff.



• After seeing a small circle of the baby's head for an hour through a stretched perineum, the father asked, "How is this possible? How is this going to happen?" and the doctor replied, "It's a freakin' miracle."

Yes, it is!

Though I wish it was a miracle with the support of the nurses instead of in spite of them. If it were my decision, some of those nurses would be severely reprimanded, if not barred from delivery rooms altogether, for making those comments.